As my day of surgery gets closer, I feel calm, focused, happy and clear. I look forward to this cancer being taken away from me for good and to being able to let go of it with a kind of joy. It’s like something I never wanted that somehow found a place to settle in my body and now I have the chance to let it go. YEAH!!
But if you knew me well, you’d see small signs of nervous. In the sports psychology world where I live (think: raised three amazing athletes,) we know at a certain point, the physical ability matters but mental game is way more essential. One aspect has to do with what’s called good nervous. You can imagine not nervous enough, where you don’t care and basically don’t show up. And everyone knows too nervous : scattered, hyperventilating, poor focus, not a helpful state.
Here’s what good nervous is for me: it’s about really caring about both the process and the outcome. It’s about doing everything possible to get what I want. It’s about feeling a little nervous and excited as part of my determination; it’s empowering and motivating and builds on itself. So, that’s where I am now. I’ve had a life of opportunities to be on the spot and practice getting to good nervous-- lecturing to 100s of students or colleagues, testifying at the State House, playing competitive volleyball, working with challenging patients, juggling the ridiculous needs of three teenagers- perhaps that was my best training ever-and now going after this breast cancer. I have practiced over and again how to have clear channels to this sea of calm and the land of good nervous. It s like anything you practice often, it becomes second nature. So I know why it comes easy to me because I have worked this muscle-- but I tell you what, I’m damn happy for it today. There is nothing I cannot get through.
Of course feeling all your love and concern makes it better, too and in a funny way, more social-- which also works for me!
And for those of you who want to know how you’d KNOW I was working my good nervous muscle, here are a few tells:
1. Happy time spent in my art room. One project was a number of little signs for my anesthesia nurse who has promised to convey positive thoughts about and to me during surgery.
2. All my hand-embroidered handkerchiefs ironed & stacked up pretty in a basket. If you come to visit and would like, feel free to take one home. I have lots.
3. A whole bunch of fresh rolled change, I find this most relaxing. If I owe you money (which I probably don’t….) happy to pay in coin!
Still not looking for any medical advice or any cancer stories, save those for someone else! But happy to have all your love & prayers, good thoughts, short jokes, you tube have-tos and any other little ditties you think I might enjoy. Right now I am more open to funny than inspirational or informational, humor vs. contemplative!
Love & light,